Living in Karachi has broken my ability to process natural beauty. It’s like cute aggression. That thing when you see a bundle of kittens and have an aneurysm and want to smash their little bodies against a wall and watch their brains splatter. The cuteness is too much, it fucks your ability to have appropriate responses. I can handle a few ancient, dignified trees in a park somewhere but when there’s miles of beauty as far as the eye can see, I feel a sense of violent derangement, like I’m the hero in a Grecian tragedy, the only person who can see the truth in a world of lies, and it makes me want to burn everything to the ground.
I know. I’m unwell. Not just mentally also physically, it turns out. I’m horrendously out of shape and have a pathetic immune system, so months before this trip I’d started taking vitamin supplements and working out like a mofo to fortify myself against illness but the minute I got here, my body bitch-slapped the illusion of control right out of me. On day 1, it rained shitbuckets. On day 2, I busted my right knee and could barely walk by evening. On day 3, I got high fever and a bad flu that lasted for days and had me dragging my corpse to Japanese pharmacies to explain my symptoms through Google Translate and beg for medication. I was given many strange herbal liquids that tasted like armpits and fish, and maybe they helped I don’t know.
But back to obscene levels of beauty, which this place is full of. Yesterday, I sat under a tree surrounded by lush rolling hills and deer that not only frolicked beside people but also posed for pictures and occasionally stopped traffic. The people in the cars were in no hurry and didn’t honk; they just waited politely for the deer to finish cantering across the street. Apparently, these deer (deers?) are emotionally unstable and sometimes attack people. I saw this happen and you know what people did? Hint: It didn’t involve shooting or poisoning or throwing stones. They laughed and walked away. As I absorbed this insanity, I looked ahead at a net of light rippling on the surface of a lake and a sweet little girl in a pink skirt running after a ball her hot chiseled father had thrown in her direction. What on earth does it mean to grow up habituated to trees and seasons and safety and deer who eat crackers out of your hands? Derangement rising.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m awash in gratitude to experience so much beauty—formal and curated as it is—but I think maybe I need a little ugliness to feel like I’m a real person in a real place. Luckily for me, above the glittering lakes and the hobbit bridges and the curvaceous maple trees, there are thick black wires lining the skies of Kyoto and for brief moments, it looks exactly like Karachi. This makes me sort of happy. Many things have made me happy here, the first of which is the advanced ass-washing technology of the Japanese. As a Muslim, I’ve always been proud of our clean asses. I’ve always seen lotas and muslim showers as the pinnacle of our civilizational achievement, thanks be to Allah, but the Japanese have taken shit to alien levels. See this:
This is a remote-controlled device next to the pot. It’s magic. You have a different jet of water for your ass and a different one for your vag. Different water pressures, different temperatures. And you don’t need to wriggle your bum around at all because the water comes out in an arc of perfection. Aim is 100% every time. My butthole has never felt cleaner. It’s glorious. How do these people get anything done in life?
The other thing that makes me very happy is the public signage:
And the names of cafes, real estate companies, and socks:
But this is easily my favorite sign, let’s say it all together now:
And once more for Lebanon:
I’ve learnt some stuff, too. For one, cornflakes in ice cream tastes amazing. Unlike deer, cornflakes in ice cream is something we can all implement in our daily lives, and I intend to do so from now on.
Other random observations thus far:
Across cultures, ducks are assholes
Cleavage and flip flops are the province of tourists solely
No one has curly hair
No one is having a meltdown
Shiba Enus!!!
Matcha still tastes like dried fish
If I live to be a hundred, I will still never want beans for dessert
There is no trash to be seen and no public trashcans anywhere
Sitting down is a formalized activity that can only occur in places designated by the government
Everyone is taking the same picture
Umbrella traffic jams are worse than car traffic jams
Pants are very very very baggy it’s amazing
I continue to feel an immediate affinity with Americans when I travel I’m sorry pls kill me
And much more! But that’s it for now. I hope everyone is safe and well and living life like this little rebel:
This is amazing and deranged and I love that you can’t handle too much beauty LOLZ dude. So racinated. Much wow. Much clean ass.
Loved reading this. The ‘habituated to trees and beauty line’ is my favorite. Pls keep writing for us 🧡